About me
Since I was a little boy I believed in true love with a
woman and thought that only in that love could be found the ultimate fulfilment
of oneself. I had a high concept of marriage, and was also a bit of a dreamer -
probably caused by my education, environment, other relevant factors, or a mix
of these things.
I was seeking for love all my life. Sometimes I have to say
I was a little desperate for it. Often we think happiness and meaning can be
found just in sex and intimacy. It took time to acknowledge how wrong I was and
the need of a change in my mind on the topic. Even in becoming a Christian and
being with the Lord, I could not change suddenly.
About sex
Sex was made for marriage.
This is hard to speak about it, even more-so if a person is
young, when all his sex hormones, his complete body, mind, and desires are
red-hot. It is not just a big challenge for the young guys but also for the
rest of men.
Sex was made for marriage. Outside of marriage sex is a
pleasure without purpose or any godly goal, and instead of bringing fulfilment
to the person what it actually brings is confusion, addiction, and depression.
Biblically, we can see this for example through the life of Samson, or when
David went to bed with Uriah's wife Bathsheba, or when Amnon had sex with
Tamar.
I believe that God is not just concerned about our
spirituality but our bodies as well. I believe God has power to help us with
our physical desires and concerns. We know as believers in Christ we have the
Holy Spirit dwelling within us, and the fruit of the Holy Spirit for those who
live in step with him are: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). Because the
Spirit is dwelling within us, we can bear that kind of fruit, not least of
which, is self-control: in other words, controlled by the Holy Spirit. In life
there is an inseparable connection between mind, body and spirit so we know
that self control affects our bodies as well as our spirituality, because true
spirituality is visible and completely connected with our physical life. I can look back and see how God has answered
my prayers and how he looks after me giving me self-control of my sexual
desires.
Can we glorify God without sexual life? My answer is an
absolute "yes". Jesus Christ lived a single life as a man, and He
glorified the Father perfectly, and not in a sad or depressed way but in a
joyful way (Hebrews 1:9) and that joy is real when we look again at the fruit
of the Spirit described in Galatians, for that is a promise from Jesus himself
- just remember what he says in John 17:13: “so that they may have the full
measure of my joy within them.” Then, we can live a single life full of joy,
dignity for the glory of God.
About loneliness and
intimacy
I consider these factors stronger than sex itself.
Loneliness and the lack of intimacy can bring deep, long lasting depression.
Without any intimacy with someone for several years, I felt myself completely
disconnected from the world, out of everything, and I became very angry, even
with God. Loneliness is without a doubt one of the most crucial issues of
humankind.
We were made to be social beings and God himself considers
loneliness something alien to his will, purpose, and design (Genesis 1:18). But
here is a big truth that we all must have in mind as a warning whether we get
married or not: a person can be married and still bear a strong sense of
loneliness without enjoying any sort of intimacy with their partner.
Loneliness cannot be taken away simply by a person. That was
the experience of the Samaritan woman in John 4. She tried to find happiness
and fulfillment through a relationship with a man but her loneliness was still
there. When Jesus said to her “the fact is, you have had five husbands, and the
man you now have is not your husband” (John 4:17), he was telling her that
although she did her best to find something great and satisfying in her life,
she had not found it. That story helped me so much in understanding that
loneliness is ultimately rooted in the deepest part of the human heart, and no
person is capable of taking it away. Only the Lord Jesus Christ has the power
and will to do so. Loneliness is rooted in sin, in separation from right
relationship with God, and only through redemption by Christ we can be
released.
Delight in the Lord
as your priority
I now see that God was speaking to me in an amazing way
through different people in order to help me to delight in him. One of the
great battles in my life was to understand that a woman cannot be the
fulfilment of my life. Of course it can be amazing, beautiful, and great, but
it cannot be the ultimate goal, otherwise life might prove very disappointing
and empty. “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of
your heart” says David in Psalm 37:4. That is something that we have to pray
for every single day of our lives, but God blesses such prayers. He did it and
is still doing it in me. The psalmist is saying that when we delight in the
Lord with all our heart, our desires become the desires of God, and if the
desire of God is for us to be single for a while or forever, it will become our
desire as well. I can say this becoming something real for me. I want to be
married but only if the Lord wants it for me, and if he wants to me to be
single, that can become my desire too. Why? Because he is my delight.
Is useless to find your delight, your fulfilment, ultimately
in and with a woman or women. But not with God. Whether we have a happy
marriage or not, it will come to an end one day, but the love of God will
remain forever. It is not at all intelligent of us to build up the altar of our
hearts in the wrong order: God should take the first position in our hearts, at
the top of our priorities, and from that order everything finds its place and
enjoys peace. God is perfect love, he is perfect in loving and he will do it
forever, and because that amazing love is real, it is now our duty and
necessity to cultivate a loving relationship with the Lord today. When I
understood that I was better able to embrace my singleness.
Common mistakes,
suggestions, and conclusions
Appreciate your status as single despite the fact that you
want to be married one day. There are a lot of privileges that we can enjoy in
our singleness but we do not appreciate them because of the obsession with our
sadness in singleness. For instance, freedom. I am not saying that marriage is
against freedom, but it demands time, much time, and that means when you get
married you have to sacrifice something - time with friends, hobbies, time for
yourself, even time for the ministry of the Lord. A single person is able to
give much time and effort to the glory of God and helping others.
We must value friendship. Sadly, in western society, we
sometimes see friends as mere entertainment until ‘love’ knocks at our doors
and then we will be able to say goodbye to those friends that were made just to
fill the space between adolescence and adulthood. That is selfish and
Biblically wrong.
I was reading an article recently on "Why single is not
the same as lonely", and I agree with the author. He writes:
“In Proverbs, friendship is far more than a verb for sharing
your contact details on Facebook. A friend is someone who knows your soul.
Someone who does not just know lots about you, but knows you. And, Proverbs
shows us, we cannot hope to live wisely in God’s world without such
soul-to-soul friendships. All of us need them, not just those who are
single." (The Gospel Coalition, "Why single is not the same as
lonely",
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/why-single-is-not-same-as-lonely).
A few examples from the Bible demonstrate its concept of
friendship, which is the Lord’s will:
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for
adversity” (Proverbs 17:17)
"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there
is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).
Indeed, God has a higher concept of friendship than we do.
I found days spent with friends since I came to the UK to be
very precious. I value them.
Accept your circumstances. If you are single, it is because
- for now - God wants you to be single. This does not mean that singleness will
be forever. We do not know that. But if today we are single we have to glorify
God with our singleness and serve him.
Know that with the Lord Jesus we have the perfect friend (John
15:15), he is the way to the perfect Father (John 14:6), he is the good
shepherd (John 10:11), the perfect king (Revelations 19:6) and perfect husband
to his bride the church (2 Corinthians 11:2). We have all in Jesus.
Delight in the Lord. That is the most precious thing in the
universe, and we can do it whether we are single or married.
This article and some of the (helpful) platitudes it contains is why some are not only single today but will probably remain single.
ReplyDeleteIt is not somehow more pious to snuff out one's desire for a spouse even Christ Himself said in Matthew 19 that
"Not everyone can accept this word,” Jesus answered, “but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way; others were made that way by men; and still others live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
Don't get me wrong, celibacy is good (if you have been gifted with it and those are the people who never struggle with sexual desire or think about marriage every 10 seconds!)but most men have been called to be married and yes God created the woman for the man to be a help-meet. Yes God is our ALL in All and true fulfilment can only be found in Him alone yet in His wisdom and for His glory according to His purposes He created woman to help meet the needs (I didn't say want's) of man.
Friendship with the brethren is a blessing but it doesn't bring as great a blessing as the relationship between a man and his wife and to say otherwise is like saying that man's best friend is a dog which is simply not true! A dog can't meet your needs in the same way a woman can which is why God didn't stop at Adam and the animals in the garden but went on to create Eve!
Here's a great article by John Macarthur:
http://www.gty.org/resources/sermons/1828/to-marry-or-not-to-marry
You mentioned in the article that if one finds themselves single today it is because it is God's will that they are single. Christian's both men and women have freedom to marry. The only condition is that they marry in the Lord. Its not a question as to if it's God's will that I marry or not marry, He leaves that choice with us. The question is who shall I marry and He has laid out principles in His Word on what to look for in a spouse. Men are to be intent and to pursue, afterall when looking for a job don't we act by searching on Job sites or the newspaper and then filling out applications and preparing for interview and the same when buying/renting a home so why so lax when it comes to finding a wife?
If you desire marriage then pursue it- there is no shame in it, it is aferall a noble and honourable thing and the freedom is your's to do so.
The cry of so many women in the Church today is that men are not pursuing. Church is not the only place (though one of the best places) to find a spouse, one can go to other places where they are likely to find Christian women, for example Christian Conferences or you can let your family and friends know of your desire to marry and ask that they help you. If you still can't find a wife to marry it gets to a point when one has to do some careful evaluation of one's self and ask themselves whether the problem lays with them or ask a good friend for their advice and assessment of you but I fear that too many Christians today use God's Sovereignty as an excuse to be lazy. He has called us to act (Philippians 2:13)
The Puritan, Richard Baxter wrote of his marriage to Margaret Baxter:
“It is a mercy to have a faithful friend, that loveth you entirely, and is as true to you as yourself, to whom you may open your mind and communicate your affairs, and who would be ready to strengthen you, and divide the cares of your affairs and family with you, and help you to bear your burdens, and comfort you in your sorrows, and be the daily companion of your lives, and partaker of your joys and sorrows and so near a friend to be a helper to your soul; to join with you in prayer and other holy exercises; to watch over you and tell you of your sins and dangers, and to stir up in you the grace of God, and remember you of the life to come, and cheerfully accompany you in the ways of holiness."
Amen!
Anonymous: reveal yourself! It helps to provide a name to the comment if not a face.
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