The following notes are from one of two presentations made
at a recent event at Grace Baptist Church Wood Green - "Singleness for
Christian Men: a manly discussion about having a relationship...or not...for
the glory of God". The second presentation was made by John Kerr, 32, married. Originally from Watford, John has recently returned to the UK from almost a decade away - first in Australia and then New Zealand, where he met his wife Lisa. They have one daughter, Chloe, who is three. John is a student at London Theological Seminary,
and is a part of Wilton Community Church. He recently completed a
placement with Grace Baptist Church Wood Green.
Singleness is hard. I have met many single Christian men over the years and I wouldn’t be able to name one for whom singleness was easy. Life as a single Christian man may involve many unique challenges and struggles: identity issues, security issues, loneliness, anxiety, desire for sexual intimacy, discontentment, etc. I found singleness hard. I have the privilege of addressing this subject from the position of being married, but please don’t let that write me off in your mind as a smug “know-it-all”. I have a slightly unique perspective on singleness because I have been married twice. As such, I’ve seen and experienced singleness from both sides of marriage, and it wasn’t any easier the second time around.
I’m approaching this subject by trying to imagine what I
would say to myself as a single man, if I could travel back through time. If it
is of any assistance to those reading, then praise God for His unchanging
goodness. (And if it isn’t, then praise God anyway – He’s unchangingly good,
right? – and pray for me and my ministry because I surely need it)
Enjoy your God
One of the biggest challenges facing a single person is
that of being content. To some degree, Bible teachers speak of a “godly
discontentment” when it comes to desiring marriage. This may appear an odd
concept but it comes from Genesis 2:18 when God states that in all of His
“good” creation, there was one thing that was “not good”: “it is not good that
the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Gen. 2:18).
There was nothing immoral about Adam’s state as a single man but in a sense
there was something incomplete about him. And this completeness was found in
Eve, the woman God created for him. If you are a single man and you can’t seem
to shift the desire to be married, then don’t panic and certainly don’t feel
guilty – it is a good and right desire.
So does this mean that a single person is essentially
incomplete and doomed to remain unfulfilled until his wedding day? In some ways
yes, in other ways no. Marriage is the closest and most intimate human
relationship that exists and the only appropriate context in which to enjoy
sexual behaviour and release. Marriage is a “one flesh” bond that is unique so
in some areas of life fulfilment is not possible as a single person.
However, I can testify from my own experience – and I’m
sure I’m not alone in this – that our struggle with contentment as single men
is based on far more than just a desire for the “one flesh” relationship of
marriage. That is to say, we convince ourselves that marriage will fix much (if
not all) that is wrong in our lives. If all your friends and family members are
getting into relationships, then it’s easy to view your fundamental identity as
bound up with your relational status. This in turn can lead to a deep sense of
inadequacy and insecurity that can work its way through various aspects of
life. If you continue down this line then a relationship becomes an absolute
necessity for your own personal sense of worth, and contentment as a single man
becomes impossible.
Whilst the culture around us may be continually
under-valuing marriage, within the church it’s quite possible to ascribe to
marriage a glory beyond its status and to turn it into an idol. If you are
currently struggling within contentment in your singleness, could there be a
sense in which you have turned marriage into an idol? Our deepest spiritual
needs can and will only be met by God. Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Does my present singleness make me profoundly depressed?
2. If my advances towards a single woman are not
reciprocated, is it a devastating blow?
3. Is my choice of church influenced by the number of
single ladies?
4. Do I regularly daydream about being in a relationship or
marriage?
If you’ve answered yes to these questions (and I certainly
did as a single man) then it could well be indicative of the fact that you are
looking for marriage to provide fulfilment beyond its capacity. That hinders
your current enjoyment of, and usefulness in, life; it places dangerous
expectations on any future girlfriend/fiancée/wife; but worst of all it robs
God of His glory because you’ve replaced Him on the throne of your life with an
idol.
What is the cure to this? Cultivate your enjoyment and
delight in God. I love the book of Ephesians because it says so much in so few
words. The first half tells us what God has done for us in Christ; the second
half tells us how that monumental change should be expressed in our lives. In
Eph. 5:1 Pauls exhorts us to “be imitators of God, as beloved children.” I have
a young daughter and I love her deeply. I know also that she loves me. We love
to spend time together. It would be nonsensical to claim to love her and resent
being with her, yet how poorly do we enjoy time with our heavenly Father? In
Psalm 27 David writes “one things have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek
after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to
gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple” (Ps. 27:4). How
regularly do you gaze upon the beauty of God? Depending on your church
background the way you understand that verse will vary. If you’ve come from a
Pentecostal background you’ll interpret it to mean a wonderful spiritual
experience; if you’ve come from an evangelical background you’ll interpret it
to mean studying God’s wonderful attributes in His word. Both are correct and
incomplete: surely gazing at God’s beauty involves using all of our heart, soul
and mind – our intellect, our affections, our will, our emotions – to enjoy
God. He is a fount of living water and in Him there is delight and satisfaction
that can be found nowhere else. Are you enjoying the privileges of being a
beloved and adopted child of God?
If God is in the rightful place in our hearts and minds,
then “ungodly discontentment” won’t stick quite so easily.
Grow as a man
It’s a bit clichéd, but true nonetheless, that it is more
important to be the right person than to find the right person. During this
period of singleness you have a unique opportunity to work on developing your
understanding and celebration of what it means to be a godly man. Back to
Ephesians 5, part of the Gospel-transformed life is summarised thus: “Therefore
do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is” (Eph. 5:17).
Paul holds up two opposites – on the one side foolishness, on the other an
understanding of God’s will. We could look at this by stating the reverse:
“therefore be wise by not ignoring the Lord’s will”, or “therefore be wise by
not living your life as if you were the ultimate source of wisdom and truth”.
The wise man understands that God’s perspective on life, the universe and
everything is to be the undergirding foundation to all of life.
The qualifications given in Scripture for elders/pastors (1
Tim. 3:1-7 and Titus 1:5-9) emphasise the importance of a man taking his home
responsibilities seriously. Even if you’re not called into ministry, these
passages provide descriptions of exemplary spiritual character to which all men
should aspire. As a single man you are engaged in spiritual training that you
will need in order to grow into the man God calls you to be, regardless of your
relationship status. “Train yourself for godliness” (1 Tim. 4:6) Paul urges
Timothy. Focus on doing the right thing where you currently are and trust God
with how it works out.
If you want to grow in your faith, then get serious about
discipleship. The Pastoral Epistles are all written within the framework of
committed, discipleship relationships as Paul exhorted his young “sons in the
faith” to strive for godliness in their ministry and leadership. Find a Paul in
your life – maybe your pastor or elder, a more mature Christian man – and learn
from him and serve with him. Have the humility and guts to ask them to keep you
accountable and seek by God’s grace and the enabling power of the Holy Spirit
to grow to be the man that is capable of being the spiritual leader of your
future home.
Know the benefits
Being married is a wonderful honour and privilege and it is
something to rightly aspire towards. But realise also that singleness has its
benefits too. Often we don’t see (or believe) these in the midst of singleness
because we’re too busy struggling with the first issue I raised, but there are
some very real advantages of being single. Paul, a single man and perhaps the
greatest missionary in history, discusses this in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 when he
speaks of an unmarried man as “free from anxieties” since he is only “anxious
about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord”. Marriage brings with it
certain responsibilities and limitations which a single person does not have.
For instance, a single man has vastly more time than a
married man (and that time differential increases exponentially as the married
man becomes a father to a growing number of children). Growing and maintaining
a fulfilling and God-honouring marriage requires a significant amount of time
and effort; once two people marry their lives are unalterably fused together
and the two become mutually interdependent. How you spend your time as a
husband always has an impact on your wife. Again back to Ephesians 5, the
Gospel-redeemed life is characterised by wise time management: “Look carefully
then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time,
because the days are evil” (Eph. 5:15-16). Men – if you’ve got time to burn
then go and use it for the Lord! Don’t waste your life obsessing about a future
wife; make your minutes count.
A single man also has considerably fewer responsibilities
than a married man. When I was 24 I moved to Australia. I applied for a
transfer at work, got a visa, packed my case and flew out to Brisbane on my
own. I could not do that now! What wonderful opportunities could be available
to you? What acts of ministry could you be doing right now that would further
the spread of God’s Kingdom in this world?
Men, I want you to use your singleness for the glory of
God. The vast majority of you that read this will one day be married to a wife,
Lord-willing for the rest of your lives. That means that this time of
singleness may be coming to an end at any time. You don’t know how long this
period will last so take full advantage of it. Don’t resent God for your
singleness; enjoy Him through it, grow in godliness and serve Him faithfully.
Ultimately one day every human marriage will be over, and we will find
ourselves as the bride awaiting her beloved husband to love and cherish us
through eternity.
Because a single person struggles with their singleness doesn't mean he is discontent rather it testifies to the fact that he hasn't the gift of celibracy and should pursue marriage. Singleness is excellent if you have the rare gift of celibracy (and probably in your 20's and might I point out that being single in your 20's is not the same as being single in your 30's or 40's etc) and we thank God for those who have such a gift however if you don't have that gift then rather than singleness being a 'great time of undivided distraction' it can become a distraction and be a thorn in the flesh. Imagine trying to serve the Lord when your burning with passion or overcome with loneliness and its all good saying that the Church provides fellowship and hence takes the sting out of loneliness but its not the same. There is no closer intimate relationship here on earth than that of the marriage relationship between husband and wife!
ReplyDelete"If you want to grow in your faith, then get serious about discipleship".
If you want to grow in Christ-likeness, get married!
Another thing is, singleness doesn't necessarily equal plenty of free time. Remember that you can't lump all singles together. Each unmarried man's circumstances may differ from the next man's. Some might have plenty of free time to serve in church/ministry but there are some who are having to work many and long hours at their jobs or who take care of family members for example elderly/sick parents- because this may not be a wife or kids doesn't mean its less significant. There is a danger in the church of treating singles as work horses and this is wrong. God calls BOTH married and unmarried to serve him- there is nothing in the Bible that says the bulk of the workload must rest on the shoulders of singles. It may be harder for married people/those with families to commit themselves to various ministries but they are still called to serve- it just may look different. I know of couples who use their marital status as an excuse as not to get involved at all in the Church. Know that single people need to be nurtured and cared for too. They are not work horses and the church should make sure that they are not travelling too much and that they are receiving care from close friends- where a married man will have a wife to help him with this and to know when he has reached his limits, a single man doesn't.
Again, Anonymous, I ask that you reveal your identity. I would not ask it of an unbeliever, but believing men ought to be of a higher caliber than the online eunuchs who mouse around behind a cowardly veil of anonymity. If you are a man and have something to say, God gave you the balls to muster the strength to say it openly. It would also help me know what world your living in and how/why your thoughts are formulated as they are.
DeleteYou clearly have spent some time (a little too much?) brooding over false extrapolations from this piece and the one that preceded it("there is nothing in the Bible that says the bulk of the workload must rest on the shoulders of singles" for example, which though a true statement, has nothing at all to do with the message of this article). Indeed, much of what you say has a ring of truth to it, but is irrelevant to the aim and intent of the article and addresses an argument not made here.
DeleteOne more thing. "Remember that you can't lump all singles together". Indeed. You do not know these singles like I do. These two articles came from an address to a group of single men ranging from 15 to thirties, none of whom (and I say this with love, as their pastor) are mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and materially prepared for the responsibilities of marriage at this time. All of them have become Christians in the last five years, some are unemployed, some are living with their parents because the cost of London housing is so prohibitive to moving out, and a couple aren't even at an appropriate age for marriage. Most of them have not had fathers in the home and if they did/do they are not the spiritual leaders of their households. Should we send them out to pursue what they cannot yet handle? Should we intensify their feelings of loneliness and longing by bashing them over the head about marriage, when they have not yet learned to be single? Should we derive from biological, physical eagerness for the sexual union and emotional intimacy of marriage, preparedness in all of the other ways?
From my distant observation, church singles events are all too often not aimed at equipping Christian singles to glorify God in their singleness, but rather seem to imply that the ultimate aim, goal, and fulfillment is found in marriage. The message seems to be that if they don't succeed at getting married or for some reason remain single for a prolonged period of time, then they are not glorifying God to their full potential. As a massive fan of marriage, I believe this marriage obsession when it comes to addressing singles is fundamentally dishonest and extremely destructive setting people - men and women - up for much disappointment and needless pain and heartache. I don't know about you, but there are enough clinically depressed people I have to work with as it is without adding to their number a room of young men whose joy has been stolen because they can't find a good Christian woman suitable for them to marry - and by the way, I don't know where you are, but having been in their situation myself, the options around are extremely limited, even if they were adequately prepared.
I have previously said in the context of urging lazy, indecisive but otherwise qualified men to pursue godly relationships "Get a life and find a wife." And yet, my mission is solely and simply to proclaim Christ. The people under my care have got to know that Christ is every bit as sufficient for the single as for the married. If a single does not take joy from Christ in singleness, then he will not take joy from Christ in marriage because his joy is so consumed with the flesh of the here and now. To immature boy-men who are struggling (or not) with lust, fueled by adolescent passion, hormonal fantasy,sexualised media, and internet porn, I do not first say "Find a wife", as though a woman were some sort of sex robot for the satisfaction of their animal instincts. I first say: "Look to Christ, and find in him a contentment greater than your very real discontentment, a joy greater than your present sadness, a higher passion than those that now consume you, and a better, more faithful friend than the best of wives could ever be." Christ rewires the brain, reclaims the heart, mind, will, and passions, and rejuvenates the body breaking under singleness-linked emotional pain and spiritual depression. When the single man treasures Christ, he is then able to consider the words of Paul about going and finding a wife.
Hope that clarifies things. God bless and help you.
Thanks for sharing useful info. Love marriage specialist
ReplyDelete